this week i lost a dear friend and co-worker back in Texas due to a tragic car accident... i don't think i've ever had such a hard time accepting some is gone before... i think its because she has always been so vibrantly full of life. i close my eyes and shes right there, telling a funny, inappropriate joke ;), or giving personal care to the families on 4W, i've always thought of her as a cornerstone to our little unit, keeping our chaoticness together with her hard work. ... i want so badly to be with you guys, please know that i've been thinking of y'all all week, want to just sit and be with you.. i absolutely hate being so far away right now. you guys are in my prayers, praying that God brings peace and his arms around you all during this. i feel like i have so much pent up emotion right now, but i can't release it. one good cry and maybe i could squeeze all the pain out.
its funny how you cry when you don't want to and can't when you want to. the ward has had some difficult moments as well this week. had to cancel a surgery of a little girl's burn deformed hand due to having malaria and a dangerously low red blood cell count. it couldn't be rescheduled like it normally would be due to our already full schedule til the end of our outreach in Tema. not only that, but i was told to discharge them by 7am to make room for incoming patients as we are getting short on beds. (had come 8hrs away from deep in the mountains) as i sent them away i've never seen such visible hope drain from a mother's face before. i choked up inside and couldn't even manage to say a prayer with them, i had the translator do it. the mom was so disappointed, knowing she could never afford on her own to have this surgery done in a local hospital. she refused to hug me goodbye..it made me want to throw up. ... but God is faithful and gives tender mercies in between questions we may never understand.. if nothing else it made me realize the strong impact it must be to do the surgeries for the ones we can..
God was good to bring it a bit full circle with a quiet week on the ward, with plenty of time to spend with the kids and just play. Regina (whose picture is above, just before she decided to PEE on me!) is here for the same type of surgery as the other girl i had to turn away. (she had some burn contractures on her arm and side released due to falling into a firepit a year ago) shes spent the week on my lap just wanting to cuddle, offering the new ability of moving her arm again to give me hugs and blow kisses :) God knew just what i needed.
Its ironic how we want control in our life to keep everything within our understanding, but somehow..when life seems to become crazy for awhile- i'm learning all i really wish to do it throw my hands ups, not in defeat, but because i realize i don't know how best to take control, and if God's above and near, looking down on this mess seeing the big picture, then its better left to him.. and accept he knows what he's doing. i may never understand why these things happen, so i will take time in each season as He brings it Eccesciastes 3 "a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to dance". ..... Lydia, you are dearly missed.
